So You Want To Fight A Country Singer?

Johnny_Cash-web

Description: As the name implies, Country Music was the product of a sweaty orgy between the hottest and biggest-boobed American music genres in the 1920’s. This tawdry love affair between hillbilly, cowboy, folk, gospel, and blues music led to the birth of one of the most influential and misunderstood music industries in the history. And you want to fight it? Are you serious bro!?

A bastard by birth, Country Music went through a myriad of identities in order to find itself. In the 1950s, it tried to be the fun guy with its Rockability phase (inspiring guys like Elvis). In the 1960s, it tried to hide the fact that he lived in a trailer park by wearing city clothes with its Countrypolitan phase (also known as its Tammy Wynette phase). Later it tried to be tough with its Outlaw phase (the age of Johnny Cash and Willie Nelson). Now it’s trying to be one of the popular kids with its Country Pop phase (giving us such cuties as Taylor Swift). This all means that you’re about to fight an opponent with a Texas size chip on its shoulder. Good luck with that.

Tactics:

  •  According to their songs, Country singers love to drink. Offer them a bottle of Jack to quell their anger.
  • Most Country singers have at least one bad breakup story. Using the bottle of Jack you offered earlier, get this information out of them. Offer your sympathy, and you stand to gain a powerful ally.
  • Don’t actually drink with your opponent. If you’re looking for a victory instead of a draw, use the above strategy, then K.O. your opponent with the empty bottle.

Tips: If all else fails, bringing up Mama, trains, old cowboys, or prison can distract a Country Singer long enough for you help you escape.

 Warnings: If you’re facing one of the Highway Men, RUN. Seriously. RUN

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