So you want to fight an Anime Samurai?

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Description: Samurai were the favored warriors for Japanese nobility from the 12th century to roughly the 18th century. Samurai were skilled in the use of spears, archery, and jujitsu, but were most well known for their use of the Katana. Today, Samurai are remembered as one of the best, if not the best, warriors in human history. However, in comparison to Anime Samurai, regular Samurai were like horse buggies trying to compete against Deloreans supped up with the biggest flux capacitors this side of Doc Brown’s garage.

Anime Samurai are the shit. Seriously. Have you ever seen one in action? They cut fucking mountains in half just to loosen their arm up. Worse yet, Anime Samurai differ in mentality, so you never know if you’ll be facing the honorable swordsman who only draws his blade as a last resort (known as The Kenshin Himura type), or the battle starved madman whose just aching to cut someone (known as the Kenpachi Zaraki type). My suggestion is not to even mess with them. But if you must, here’s my advice.

Tactics:

  • Anime Samurai usually yell out what attack they’re going to use before they launch it. This is very helpful both in countering their attacks and keeping yourself alive. So clean your ears thoroughly before the battle.
  • If you’re a woman, try using your womanly charms (your boobs) to distract your opponent. If you’re man, trying to use your manly charms (your trouser snake) will only get it cut off, or worse.
  • Anime Samurai won’t usually attack an opponent he/she doesn’t consider worthy. So piss your pants when you think you’re about to lose.

Tips: Take note of your opponent’s expression. If your opponent is always serious during a fight, then your chances of dying are minimal. If your opponent is always smiling, either widely or subtly, then they are imaging slicing you in half, like a lot.

Warnings: Never attack an Anime Samurai’s friends. They take friendship very seriously. No joke. They will stab you. In the soul.

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