So You Want to Fight a Human Baby?

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Description: Homo-Sapien offspring from the ages of 0-2 are considered infants, or more colloquially, babies. They survive mainly off breast milk, a liquid human females produce via lactation. Many of these so-called “babies” are considered cute and thus illicit an emotional and protective response from most adults around them. This makes initiating a confrontation with a baby very difficult.

Ultimate Technique: Wail of Death and Annoyance

Tactics

  • Try calling the infant adorable
  • Ask to hold it, claiming you will be careful
  • Punt the Baby

Best Weapon Against It: Ugly Parents

Tips: Babies only live for breasts and sleep. Instead of fighting one, it may be wiser to adopt its ideals.

Warnings: Do not look directly at a baby, or else it will enthrall you with its little face and make you speak like an idiot.

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